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Okay, I know I’ve said that I would stay away from dating websites but I’m too impatient to wait and be disappointed yet again at some bar or lounge or walking down the street for someone to not sweep me off my feet.  So I joined HowAboutWe.com. It’s an interesting site that allows people to suggest dates, and people say they’re intrigued, and there you have it. A date!  But I quickly changed my sentiments about this site when they asked for money. Eh…I’m a cheap-skate, especially when I know I can get it for cheap (or even free) elsewhere. But it’s a cute idea nonetheless.

I ultimately gave in because I came to the realization that people are online. We have to face this fact. Even though I have been adamant about not starting an “online profile” and becoming slightly elated when I see that I’ve had 19 views on my profile, and 5 vagrant messages from men that I would not even have talked to even if it was in person.  The way I see it, all they have done was make it easier for guys who wouldn’t have had the balls to talk a woman in the flesh.  All you have to do is view a profile, click a button,  and send a message.  And Presto, Chango! You have a relationship! Please, someone! Give me a break! These online profiles, and dating sites are debilitating our men, and taking away the one thing that makes them men, speaking in a ‘Lion King’–king of the jungle, ‘Tarzan Meets Jane’ kind of way.  (Did I just reference a Disney movie with respect to my dating life? …all hope is gone).

As a former pre-med student who chickened out and changed her major to glorious and spectacular History (that is not sarcasm) at the sight of her first F in Chemistry II, take it from me when I relate dating to mating rituals in the wild. RAWR!

Animals literally try to kill each other to mate with a female.  A FEMALE. Not many, just one. One or more males compete to mate with ONE female.  Is her vagina made out of gold? Not quite, but it is valuable. See in Bio, we have this saying (well, not me, the professor): “Sperm is cheap. Eggs are expensive”.  Females are valued out in the wild, seen as prizes to be had,  and some men will fight to the death for.  It was Darwin that rightly expressed the theory of sexual (natural) selection.  A female will pick her mate according to a criteria that will deem him the best fit to father her young.  The most important thing for a female is passing on diserable traits such as being a good forager, or hunter to her offspring.  Who wouldn’t want a good forager?

When mating season comes along, men parade around, strutting their stuff to impress the ladies. And all the women have to do is pick and choose.  (In my next life, I’m coming back as a peacock).

If we introduced online dating into the wild (assuming that some brilliant scientist has figured out a way to teach them how to use a computer), millions of ecosystems would be in dissarray.  The weak, not-knowing-how-to-forage-a-goddamn-thing will have spread their useless seeds all over the animal kingdom! We would have lazy lions, monkeys who haven’t realized they have opposable thumbs, and birds who walk everywhere. It’s embarrassing.

I think I speak for all women when I say it is survival of the fittest out there. We wouldn’t mind if you strutted your stuff for us.  I, like most women, like to have my pick of the litter.

 

We need men to be men! Get offline and get out there! For the sake of the human race, please!

 

 
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