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Ever see an unabashedly, unremarkable girl on the train, bus, or bar and think to yourself “I will not remember this person in 3.5 minutes”.  Don’t feel bad. If they wanted to leave an impression they would have ditched the khaki pants, cream colored cardigan, hair-tie, and lack of a good foundation and bronzer and opted for a cute LBD, let their hair down and worn some sexy, hot red lipstick. But, no, they didn’t. She made the conscious effort to fly under the radar, and go unnoticed. Not your problem? Think again.

I guess some men like to match their ‘stache to their girlfriends…I think its cute and nauseating at the same time

Take a closer look at this beige-loving, unimpresive humanoid. Closer…closer…TOO close! You see that? It’s a clunker the size of Jessica Simpson’s pregnant ass right on her left hand. How’d she do it, you ask? Maybe the question we need to ask ourselves is what she DIDN’T do…’cause she sure as hell didn’t run a comb through that bird’s nest she likes to call ‘hair’, and she definitely has no idea where her waist is anymore. So what is it? Why the Plain Jane and not  the sexy Marilyn Monroe archetype?

Just like Jane’s face, it’s simple…men want to fuck Marilyn, but want to marry Jane. It all goes back to their mothers.  Mothers are reserved, caring, nurturing, and loving. Not the qualities you get from my idol, Marylin (–Oh, well…).

Yeah, I know Marilyn, I was surprised too when I found out about this…

Plain Jane has that ‘girl next door’ look that will make any girl want to barf. But this look actually, for some crazy reason, unbeknownced to me, attracts men, and eventually the ring (more often then not, the ring comes sooner than she does 😉 ).

All I know is that Plain Jane can go screw a box of nails for all I care, ’cause eventually that ‘I don’t need make up to make me beautiful’ and ‘men love me for my personality’ crap is gonna wear off, and all they’ll be left with pastey ass skin and a man who cheats on them every time they turn their heads.

Laugh it up girls…we’re the ones having all the fun!

Hey! Jane! Keep your husband! I’m going to the bar to dance and drink for as long as I want…talk to whomever I like…make out with whomever I deem worthy…take down various numbers…go home drunk and happy that I get to do this all over again next saturday…all while you are safe and cozy in your marital bliss.  Go scratch!


Shoes Over Booze