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This March marked year I bid my beau farewell after a year and a half long relationship. 6 months of which he spent in utter denial, and I spent being over stressed, under weight and completely and unmistakably miserable (oblivious only to him, of course).

When I was with him I couldn’t be myself which caused our relationship to suffer tremendously, because he never got a chance to see the real me. This was truly his loss. Then I would bitch about how he didn’t know me. I felt trapped and felt my freedom was being infringed upon constantly. It’s not that I mind being in a relationship, it’s the part where I constantly have to tell this person all of my whereabouts, and happenings. I’m a big girl. I don’t need to check in with anyone. Just trust that I am not on the corner, turning tricks, poking my arms with needles, or joining a circus.

It really is the worst feeling in the world to be with someone, and not be able to be who you truly are. You are constantly holding back, biting your tongue, and thinking, then re-thinking everything you say.  You are second-guessing yourself all of the time.  It is no way to live. So I had to get out of that relationship.  I was stressed over trying to be the perfect girlfriend to someone who didn’t think being the best boyfriend was something he had to do. I wasn’t eating, and I was losing weight.  Anyone that knows me knows that when I am stressed …it shows. I look emaciated, and malnourished. When I am happy and care-free, I sorta look like Miss Piggie when she goes off on one of her benders.

I love that I am now free to do as a please. Flirt with whom I want. Talk to whom I like and not feel like I’m doing something awful behind someone’s back.

But sometimes I long for that companionship. Someone to come home to and cuddle up with on the couch after a shitty day at work. Someone to share my secrets with. I miss having someone there who cares about me.

I went to a wedding this weekend, and it seemed as though everyone was coupled up. For the groom and bride’s first dance, all the couples were asked to dance floor as a sign of good luck.  For each couple that danced, 10 years of happiness was wished upon the Newlyweds.  My girlfriend and I were the only ones who stayed seated. So not only am I one of the only single people at this wedding, I am taking away 10 years of happiness from the bride!! Being single just keeps getting better!

But all jokes aside, I looked at the bride and groom and felt how truly happy they were that they found each other. They seemed perfect for each other. He looked at her with love in his eyes (and I kind of felt like puking right at that very moment).  But much more than my apparent nausea, I felt like crying. ME?! Crying?! At a wedding?!!! NO NO NO! I am not the sentimental type at all, but it was something about this damn wedding, and this damn couple, and all of the other damn couples dancing around them that got me all choked up.  When will I ever find a love like that? When will a man look at me like that? When will I ever be satisfied and finally happy? The thought ‘never’ is what nearly brought me to tears.

I’ve been dating since I was seventeen and I have never had butterflies in my stomach. I’ve never looked forward to seeing someone, or spending time with another person. I’ve never CONNECTED with another person.

I fear that I might turn into an old maid, and grow old with her cats, never getting the chance to experience love at any level. I know that I am young –well, still young enough to have people say “Don’t worry, you’ve got plenty of time!”–and I should just wait and see what happens, but I’m beginning to lose faith. It depresses me each time I think about it. I know that a man won’t complete me, bla bla bla, and maybe I’m having one of those days, but it gets harder each day to believe that I will one day have what I’ve always hoped for.

I walk by potential men and don’t even so much as glance their way because I know there is no chance in the universe that they will approach me. I don’t give a shit anymore. So why try? Men have no balls, and the lack of dates I’ve had is a testament to that. You can say I’m pretty all you want, but if you don’t even have the courage to say ‘Hi’, please keep walking. I don’t have time to chase men who can’t find the time to chase me. I’ll be single for as long as it takes to find the man who finds his ball sack, and chases me. And he will get me, because that’s what happens when you put the work in.

"Start acting like a man, so I can start feeling like a lady."                                                     --Shoes Over Booze

Maybe it is time to start online dating…I’ve hit rock bottom (crying at a wedding?! Really??!)  

Til’ next time my darlings…

XOXO
Shoes Over Booze
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