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Something interesting happened today while I was on the ferry going into another interview.  I had a bout of reflection, and I just had this overwhelming feeling of: ‘I didn’t want to be in a relationship just yet.’ My life was in shambles. I needed to regroup, and get it together!

Looking around me at all these people that were probably going to work, and here I was living in this fantasy world where I think I have the luxury of being unemployed at my age. I’m only 24 but it’s a precocious age. Not yet a fully matured adult, but I certainly couldn’t be categorized as a child anymore. I should know better by now. I couldn’t, at this age, mooch off my parents while people my age and even younger are out there working their butts off.

I feel less of a person without a job. I’ve always let my job define me, and now that I’m jobless … Where does that leave me?

His sexiness has worked hard to be a successful financier. Money isn’t an issue for him. And here I am transferring money out of my savings account to pay for a cup of coffee. I feel pathetic. I don’t feel like I have the energy to spend on developing a relationship with someone when my own sense of self needs some serious work.

I may have to press pause on my relationship with His Sexiness and spend some time working on my life. If I don’t respect myself, how can I expect him to ever respect me? I know what I’m capable of, and I want to show him how independent, self-sufficient, and  strong I can be, but it’s hard when you’re at your most vulnerable. I don’t want him to see me like this, but then again, the fact that he’s hung around almost a month since I declared my unemployment, may say something about him. If he can stand to be around me as I complain, bitch and moan about not having a job, then maybe he’s worth keeping when I actually land a job.

I don’t know what I’m going to do with him, but I do know I need to focus all my efforts on a J O B.

Well, I’m off to another day of trying to stay positive.

Later babes,
Shoes Over Booze

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