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I think I’m done. I think I’ve mentally, and emotionally exhausted myself in trying to find love. I think you’re given an allotted amount of energy to expend on love and I’ve used all mine up, and it’s all been in vain. There’s nothing left to do except sit back and let life happen to me instead of always trying to make something out of nothing.

I had a wedding to go to this past Saturday. It was my cousin’s wedding, and I can’t say that I was thrilled for her. We weren’t that close, and from what I know she had marriage on the mind for a very long time, she just needed a man willing to walk down the aisle with her. I hate women like that. The kind of women that get what they want. I know I sound bitter, but I try, too. I try very hard. I try to open myself up to love, but every guy I date can’t stick around for more than 3 weeks. Then there are days that stretch into weeks and months where I find myself single again without a prospect in sight. I don’t want to look anymore. I don’t want to put myself out there. I don’t want to impress anyone except for myself anymore. I don’t want to worry about what guys think of me. I don’t want to worry that I will die old, gray, and alone anymore. I honestly don’t care anymore.

I’m done.

But I must have been PMS-ing that day or something because while I was getting ready for the wedding, I was watching one of my guilty pleasures, Snooki & J-Woww. It’s actually not a terrible show, because you want to hate them and poke fun of them, but they poke fun at themselves. They know how ridiculous they are, so it makes it easier to watch. So I was watching, and J-Woww’s boyfriend, Roger, plans this whole elaborate thing to propose to her. It was really beautiful. He took his time with it, and had some fun with it, too. He planned to ask her after they went skydiving.  She was terrified, but did it anyway. When the moment finally came, he was down on one knee waiting for her as she landed from the air. I don’t know what came over me, but I started to bawl like a baby! I couldn’t contain myself. I was just overjoyed for her. For J-Woww!! Are you serious?! But it was beautiful. She got what she wanted, and so did my cousin.

I was just a big ball of mush that day, because as I saw my cousin walk down at the reception, I almost cried again.

I’m happy for these women. Good for them. I still don’t like them, though. Because, why can’t  it happen for me? Why can’t I have a guy who wants to live for me?

I’ve read the books. Done the meditations. Said all the affirmations. Thought every positive thought. Feng shui’d the shit out of my room. Made room in my closet for ‘him’. But I’m still here. Alone.

I’ve given this matter over to God. If he sees it in my cards to find the one then, by all means, I’ll wait. If not, I wish he would tell me or give me a sign so I could just stop looking and hoping and wishing. I just want to give up already, and focus on other things. Not having love in your life is like having a big gaping hole right in the middle of your chest, and you walk around with this hole all the time, and nothing and no one can fill it quite like that one special person.

I’m done, I am truly done. I am so done, they need a new word for it.

Shoes Over Booze