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This conversation has come up with my girlfriend and I on more than one occasion. My girlfriend, who is the sweetest, most lovable, good-hearted person I know just can’t cut the cord when it comes to her exes.

It’s not a huge revelation when I say that they’re your ex for a reason. You know that. I know that. We all know that. So why are people still carrying on a friendship after the romance fizzles?

My friend has had a hard time cutting ties with her ex, for whatever reason. Naturally I can not see the logic in this.  Either be with them or break up with them and move on. How can you ever expect to move forward when you keep bringing your past into your present?

If you’re not ready to move on, then that’s fine too. There’s no handbook for break ups.  They’re messy,  and emotional. They’re not always so black and white. These little things called feelings are involved, and make it that much harder to either stay with the person and work it out, or simply walk away (which is sometimes easier said than done).

Why you are still ‘friends’ with your Ex:

  1. First reason that comes to mind: you still love them. Even though you may be screaming and kicking in your chair right now, “No! I do not!” Really? Why the hell are you still talking to his lying, cheating, broke ass?
  2. You’re not ready to let go. You are still holding on to a sliver of hope that you two will get back together. You’re too scared to completely walk out of their life, lest they forget about you and find someone new, so you stick around (also called lingering).
  3. They’re the ones lingering, and you’re just enabling their behavior.  This is especially risky behavior because they become co-dependent on an emotional level.  Still having you in their lives gives them a sense of relief, as opposed to the anxiety of actually having to live without you. You may not know what you’re doing is actually enabling them, because you’re just trying to be nice, but in all actuality you’re just doing more harm than good. It doesn’t serve them to have you hold their hand even after a break up. This is when you have to take action, and cut them off, however it may hurt them. If they’re akin to harmful behavior to you or to themselves, let them know what you are doing, and let someone else know, as well.
  4. You guys still wanna bone. Simple. I get it, he has a magical dick, and you feel that you will never be able to find a guy who could do what he did. Maybe you won’t, but they make toys that can still get the job done, maybe even better! If all else fails, get a booty call, because there is no way in hell you can still sleep with the same person you had feelings for.  You will never be able to make a clean break if you two are still sleeping together.  Cut that shit out.

Still, if you insist on talking to your ex after the excellent points I have just made, then, my dear, you made your bed, now lay in it.

If you’re gonna talk the talk then, you better be able to walk the walk.  Don’t hide it from your friends. Let them know, ‘Hey, remember my jerk off ex-boyfriend that you guys hate so much ’cause he broke my heart into a million little pieces by sleeping with the girl  he met at the food court? Yeah….. we’re still talking. And sleeping together.”

All your friends ::FACE PALM::

Talking to an ex after a break up never works for either party.  Break up, and go your separate ways. If at some point down the line you both feel you want to be with each other, then go ahead, have at it.

But you need a period after the break up where you can hate them, hate yourself, cry every day for a week, annoy your friends about it for months, date a string of losers, find yourself, go on a meditation retreat, start a journal, burn your journal, date one of those losers again, stop dating all together, love yourself again, feel beautiful, have fun, love life, find love again.

It’s important to give yourself time to collect yourself because during a relationship you’re lost in that other person. Your identity has been based on your relationship with this other person. Who are you without them? You need to take time to answer that question. When you can, then, and only then, can you talk to your ex. When you are yourself again, and they are who they are again.

 

xoxo
Shoes Over Booze
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