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When you’re single for a while, as I have been, you become much more observant. You become much more aware of your immediate surroundings: the people, the places, the couples. Oh the couples with their ever apparent, and in your face with their over the top displays of affection. Some-and when I say some I mean all-can all go to hell.

I look around and really take a good look at some of the women that are in relationships, and sometimes I can’t believe that I am the one that is single. I go to the gym. I keep myself fit and toned.  I eat healthy (most days..alright, never). I make sure my hair is always done. My make up is always done (never over done). I am presentable even on my bad days. And some of these women seemed to have all together let themselves go, and they are the ones who have their fingers laced with a man.  And there I am, all sad and alone, and jealous as all hell. Am I stuck in some sick parallel universe where the less you try, the more you gain? 

My sister and I were talking about relationships and love, and I -being my cynical self- could only talk about how hard it is to find someone. We talked of our cousin who claimed to be a lesbian, who only months ago broke up with her girlfriend. Which is sad because she really took a bullet for her.  I mean, coming out to a seemingly traditional middle eastern family only to have it fall apart years later. In my family, if you’re gay, you better be the gayest damn person to the bitter end. Own it, girlfriend!

Here’s the kicker: she broke up with her girlfriend, and has now found herself in another relationship…with a MAN. 

COME ON!!! What the fuck?! 

Excuse my language, but seriously?! You’re gay!!! Stop snatching up perfectly good guys from us perfectly good girls. It isn’t fair.

My sister: She used to be gay, now she’s straight and has a boyfriend.

Me: What?!! I’ve been straight my whole fucking life!! 

My sister: She’s bisexual!

Me: Don’t give me that bisexual, straddling the fence crap! If you can go down on a girl, you’re fucking gay. End of story


Even she has a boyfriend. Even my cousin who spent 4 years with another woman, has managed to wrangle herself a man. And me? I’m left with crap nothing. 

This is seriously bullshit. 

I bet she didn’t even try. I bet she didn’t try half of the shit I’ve tried. It just happened for her. And here I am, reading all the books, doing all the meditations, going out trying my hardest, and still nothing. 

But I know I have to turn this negative attitude around.  I know that. I guess this is just me venting, because I really can’t believe this crap. Anyway, hopefully things start to look up for me.