This weekend seemed like a typical weekend. My sister’s boyfriend had come down to visit, so she planned a night out with her friends and mine tagged along, as well. I did my best to seem happy, and confident because I promised myself I would quit criticizing myself and start loving myself. I can tell you right now it’s easier said than done.
It’s not easy to walk the walk when you can’t even talk the talk. I didn’t believe it, yet. I didn’t believe deep down in my core that I was beautiful, awesome, and lovable. I thought if I acted like it, I could convince my brain that I was all these great things. It doesn’t work like this. People would save so much money on therapy if it was this easy.
I still hated the world. I still had an attitude. I was still on the verge of tears. I was still a god damn mess.
Either way, the show must go on, and I needed to fulfill my social obligations. So I put anything on, and went out. It was Williamsburg, NYC so I wore flats. God knows it will be a cold day in hell when you see any of those hipsters trying to wear heels or something germane to this era, so I didn’t want to be overdressed.
I did my best to smile and laugh at all the appropriate times. It didn’t help that I really was not feeling well and just wanted to crawl right into bed, and become a vegetable.
I sat next to my sister’s boyfriend who I see as an older brother now. He looked at me and said, “You really want to be with someone. You really want a man, don’t you?” I just looked at him and shook my head, ‘no‘, but I couldn’t say anything to protest. Because he was right. I am so ready to meet someone that he can actually smell the desperation on me. It felt like someone had just ripped off my mask. I felt really vulnerable at that moment, and really just wanted to crawl into a hole and hide. Reality check #1.
By the end of the night I couldn’t wait to go home. Typical depressed girl wanting to go home when everyone else is talking about the next place to hit up.
The next day, my best friend came over to pick me up to get manis and pedis. As I was getting ready, I told her what my sister’s boyfriend said. I told her as-a-matter-of-fact-ly, because that’s what’s really going on and I have no reason to hide anything from her. I just shrugged as in, what can I do? It is what it is.
Then it just came pouring out. I began to cry like it was no one’s business. The kind of crying you do alone in your room. Not little dainty tears when you see something really sad in a movie, but like Oprah buying some poor lady with 15 kids a new house and a car, and giving her 5 billion dollars kind of crying. Heaving. Crying. Snot-nosed. That kind of crying.
I could not hold it in a minute longer, and I had really tried not to cry, because I felt like I was sounding like a broken record. I told her that I didn’t know what else to do. Why was it so hard for me but seemed so easy for other women? It doesn’t seem fair that every guy that I’ve been with has moved on and found someone to be happy with, and here I am all lonely and shit.
I told her the hardest thing was thinking of an excuse to tell people for when they ask me in another couple of years why I’m still single. This was the straw the broke the camel’s back. I cried even harder. I was setting myself up to expect more loneliness. I was preparing myself to deal with the reality that I may be single for a very very very long time.
She didn’t say anything for a while and just let me cry. She didn’t put her arm around me, and I’m thankful she didn’t. I didn’t want anyone to pity me. I just couldn’t control these tears anymore. I couldn’t control my feelings any longer. I’ve bottled it up long enough and tried to be strong long enough. I was tired. I was tired of being strong, and putting on this show for everyone like I was happy. I just wanted to be sad. Just let me be sad. That’s what she did, she let me be sad.
Then shit got real. She looked at me dead in my eyes and told me ‘You are constantly making excuses for guys so you don’t have to date them. Just date, get hurt, learn and move on! Your heart is so closed off that you can’t even love yourself!’
Reality check #2.
I was silent.
She was right.
I had built a wall 50 feet high, and 50 feet wide around my heart, and I had no idea why. Sure, I was hurt by my ex, but not to the point where I couldn’t love again. And it’s sure as hell not to the point where I couldn’t love myself. .
I had to open my heart. I had to let the love in. I had to allow myself to love and be loved in return.
After our manis and pedis, she came over again after a few hours to watch True Blood. I was in my room trying to Google ‘allowing yourself to love’. Say what you will, but this is the way I do things. She comes down and says that she hated to see me cry like that, and she didn’t want me to feel like that again.
I told her that sometimes I can’t hold it in, and it just came out. How I see things from her point of view and how I’m going to start to open up more.
Then she pulled out a bag from her purse. She told me she bought me a gift. I was going to cry all over again, because she really didn’t have to. Before I pulled the jewelry box out of the bag, and opened it, I reminded her that she really didn’t have to again. I finally opened the box, and now I was seriously going to cry. She gave me a beautiful necklace with an open heart pendant encrusted with white and blue diamonds. I gave her the biggest hug. I couldn’t believe it! I am loved!
She told me it was a reminder to always keep my heart open. I told her that I will always wear it because it not only reminds me to keep my heart open, but it also reminds me that I have always had love in my life, and plenty of it.
She really is more than a friend to me. She dug me out of my hole that I was getting too comfortable in. I woke up today with a new attitude. I’m nicer to people, I’m smiling more, and I even caught some dude looking :). The way I feel has nothing to do with my outer appearance or surroundings, because it is all coming from within. I’m beaming!
I’m blessed to have such amazing, beautiful, loving people in my life. I have so much to be thankful for. I have focused so much of my time and energy on the things that I’ve lacked, and it only created more of it. I have totally lost sight of wonderful people and things I already have in my life. I have amazing friends that I would kill for. My family is one of kind, full of life, and love. I got a new job with a shiny new salary that I can’t wait for. What the hell am I moping around for? Life is just starting to get good. Okay, I have no guy right now. But it’s just right now. Who knows what the future will hold? I could meet the man of my dreams tomorrow. I probably already have, and didn’t even know it because I was so focused on all the things I didn’t have.
Life is good people. Life is really good.