, , , ,

Well not in the traditional boy breaks girl’s heart, or vice versa, but a different kind of break up.

First off, I want to apologize for the length of this post. A lot has happened in the last few months that I have not written about here. I was afraid a certain someone would read my honest words, but now, I don’t care. It’s my blog and I’ll bitch if I want to. If you don’t like what I have to say, don’t read it. ūüôā

I recently broke up with my best friend. I know how silly it sounds, but calling it a break up doesn’t sound so far fetched.

I realize I had not been keeping my darling readers apprised of the ongoing turmoil between my friend and I. Mainly because she read this damn blog! And it was getting to a point in our relationship where I had to watch what I said, and basically walk on eggshells around her just to keep the peace. It was exhausting. If you have to constantly watch what you say in front of, or to, your so-called “best friend”, then you guys ain’t best friends. Sorry boo.

I’ve been friends with my real best friend for more than half my life. Since we were ten years old, we’ve been terrorizing waitresses by unscrewing the caps of salt and pepper shakers, laughing too loud where ever we are, and blocking the entire world out when we were together. I could say whatever idiotic thing came to mind when I was with Tanya. If it offended her, she would tell me right then and there, and that would be it. She didn’t pretend to be okay with it, then talk behind my back, and ask for some ridiculous apology afterwards (first off, NEVER ask for apologies. You should never NEED one to move on. Forgiveness comes from within).

I can’t stand bitches that do that. And that’s one thing I noticed. All of my friends are straight up with me. My girlfriend the other day put me in check when my attitude thought it had free range to run people over. “Okay Ms. Nasty,” she retorted. Thank you. Put my ass in check. Don’t let me get nasty. Don’t let my attitude get the better of me. Thank you.

My other girlfriend heard my ex-best friend say that I talked shit about her. She really had the nerve to text her best friend, as if it would not get back to my friend, and wouldn’t eventually make its way back to me. She called me up right away, and said “We need to talk.” We talked it out. I told her that my ex-best friend and I got into it and are no longer speaking. I explained to her that she’s just acting out, throwing a tantrum like a child. She understood. She knew that tearing people down behind their back is not in my character. Although, I thoroughly enjoy some good gossip, I would never speak about my friends behind their backs. That’s insane.

Even if my ex-BFF and I had a chance to talk it out, I don’t think I could ever get past what I just explained above. She went out of her way to ruin another of my relationships. Misery really does love company, huh? It really pissed me off when I heard she was talking all this garbage behind my back to someone who wasn’t even her friend. But now, I think I just feel sorry for her. She has no one left but her shitty boyfriend. He should suffice. Right?

She ran me out of her life just like she ran every one of her other friends out. I should have seen the warning signs flashing red in my face. But I chose to ignore them. I thought she was different. I thought we would be friends forever. It’s a silly thought now that I am saying it, and typing it. People change, and they grow apart. But when they change into someone you’d never expect, you have to question: Were they always like this, and I’m only seeing it now? Or did someone else bring out the worst in them?

Whatever the case may be with her, I feel that you have a choice. Who you are is mirrored back to you in your relationships. If people are questioning you, saying that you’ve changed, wondering why you’re doing the things you’re doing, saying the things that you’re saying especially when it sounds nothing like you would ever say, you have to take inventory of yourself. What has changed within me? Is this really me? Or am I bending to fit someone else’s idea of me?

Whatever she became, was not someone I wanted to hang around anymore. I did take a step back towards the end. I didn’t invite her out, or ask her to hang out, or ever reach out to her to simply talk, because I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to talk to her, or be around her. I always felt heavy around her. Like she was weighing me down, somehow. I felt better when I took some time off from her. She became too judgmental, overly critical of me. She was on her high-horse, and made everyone around her feel as though they couldn’t compare. She made it seem like we needed to kiss the ground her and corny boyfriend walked on. These two were a match made in heaven really. I am so glad I brought them together (later, to be accused of trying to break them up…from the small minds of the Staten Island Idiots). They deserve each other. I wish them all the happiness in the world…just very far away from me. Go get married. Have a bunch of kids. Be truly happy. Just keep that shit away from me.

The day we stopped talking was an interesting day. I literally felt a weight lifted off my shoulders. Like I could breathe again. I no longer had to pretend to be okay with every ridiculous thing she said. I didn’t have to agree with her crazy ideas of how a relationship should be. I didn’t have to deal with her retarded adolescent bullshit. I was relieved. I was surprised I was so relieved. I thought I would be saddened by her departure, or maybe frustrated. But no. I was happy.

Why was I so relieved? I was happy I didn’t have someone projecting their bullshit onto me. Towards the end she got nasty, and got the balls to get tough with me (albeit, over gchat, as if that counted). This keyboard gangsta would say I was immature, even told me to “grow up”. Umm, I think I did grow up. I’ve had a full time job since I was 16, and didn’t take a dime from my parents since then. Example #2: She went off and told people I was going through something. No the hell I wasn’t. My life is awesome. I have a great job, great friends (with the exception of this bitch), great family, a beautiful car, nice clothes…everything was pretty awesome at this point. But of course, her definition of a great life was defined by the male company you kept, and if you didn’t keep any, well then, you certainly were miserable. Right? How could a woman be happy without a man? What a crazy notion, indeed. I realized later that she was the one going through something, and this was a classic case of projection. She made me look crazy in relation to her, so she could continue this outward lie of perfection. That’s me, being a good friend and taking the fall, so my friend could look good in a situation.

She has made me look terrible in fact, on many occasions, so that she may gain the acceptance of her boyfriend’s friends. I get that we all crave acceptance into a new group, but NOT at the expense of your so-called friend.

She turned on me.

I should have ended this relationship a long time ago, when I felt betrayed and alone. It was like I was talking to a wall when trying to explain my side of things. She didn’t want to hear it. She wanted the situation to just go away. She wanted me to “get over it”. When her boyfriend’s friends verbally attacked me, she took their side. She told herself, I was drunk and didn’t know what I was talking about. But when a man calls you a ‘terrorist’ you remember that shit. But what do I know, I was drunk, right?

That should have been my wake up call. I should have realized that I lost my friend that night, and she was never coming back. She was being brainwashed by her man, and everything anyone said to counter that, well watch out, ’cause she was not having any of it.

She admitted that she changed. ¬†She wanted people to accept who she was now. ¬†But when you change for the worst, and become a negative ¬†black hole of emotion, ¬†people don’ t take too kindly to that. They tend to stay away for obvious reasons.¬†It had become exhausting being her friend. ¬†I was always conscious¬†of what I said around her. Always very careful of what I said to her in confidence, afraid she might use it against me later as ammo. It wasn’t a comfortable feeling being her friend. I felt drained. Your best friend should empower you. Make you feel like you’re the most beautiful person inside and out, not take you down every chance they got and revel in your defeat.

But this past year there were times where I could see tiny glimpses of my old friend shine through, and I thought, maybe there was hope still. Maybe if I saw her through this difficult time, she would return to normal, and I would get my friend back, but she was so far gone down a path of self destruction, it didn’t matter what anyone said to her. She was blinded by love. ¬†She was nasty and mean to the people who loved her most. As her friend, I tried to make her see that she was turning into a complete bitch, but in her eyes I was the single friend, jealous of her relationship. It’s hard being single sometimes; people love using it as an excuse (that’s another post entirely). The only thing that mattered to her was him. It’s a sad thing when girls are okay with losing everything to keep a man. Especially when you thought this was a strong woman, only to see her turn into a pathetic little girl just to keep a man boy.

So yes, I am post beak up. I broke up with my best friend. There are days that I think about her. Sometimes they are fond memories, and sometimes I think back to the day we ended things, and how pissed I was, after which I quickly dispose of any thought of reaching out to her. It’s¬†not worth it. Not with someone who would throw me under the bus so many times, just to look good to perfect strangers.

To be honest, I’m too old to hold on to friendships that aren’t working anymore. I’m 26. I’m not in high school anymore where I’m defined by the amount of friends I have. ¬†I’m happy with my small circle of wonderful girls that love me no matter what. I get sad, irritating, angry, nasty, and boring. They know that I can retreat into myself, being the introvert that I am, but they love me all the same. They love when I laugh too loud. Or get a little crazy. They think it’s endearing that I love books and going to Barnes & Noble every Sunday to just read. ¬†Sure they think it’s weird that that I like to be alone sometimes, but they don’t blame me for it. They don’t point out my faults and make me feel like there’s something wrong with me. They don’t try to fix me. They let me be. They’re there for me no matter what. That’s the stuff a true friendship is made of. ¬†Acceptance. It’s a system of checks and balance too. And it’s knowing when the other person is looking out for you, or just looking out for themselves.

Letting go is beautiful thing. When people want to be in your life, they will do what they have to do to stay in your life. They don’t throw mud in your face, and expect you to return that favor with love. They don’t drag your name through the dirt, and expect you come running back into their lives. ¬†Good people, I mean really good people, will always see the good in you, and will never let anyone take that away from you. No matter how it will make them look in the end. ¬†It’s about integrity, and a strong character. If a person lacks those two things, expect a fickle friendship.

Part of growing up and maturing is knowing what works for you, and what no longer serves you. If a person in your life is just being a wet blanket, let that person go. When friendships end, sure it hurts, but there is a light at the end of every dark tunnel. Hindsight sure is 20/20 and looking back I could see that I was just her punching bag. ¬†Once I no longer served a purpose for her, I was thrown out just like the rest of her friends she used up. It hurts knowing that you could be so disposable to someone you held so dear. That’s the thing about life: it is chock full of surprises.

It will take time to heal, but it is what it is. I can’t forgive someone who has wronged me so deeply. I can’t let that sort of negativity back into my life. I need to let go, and let the light shine in.

Time heals all wounds. Especially the ones left by an old friend.

Shoes Over Booze