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There is something wrong with me.

I’m about 115% sure that there is something mentally, emotionally, psychologically wrong with me.

But if you asked me what it was, I really couldn’t tell you.

I’ve been dating this great guy for a few weeks now. He’s cute. Thoughtful. Successful. Consistent. Funny. Smart. He’s pretty much everything I look for in a guy Except for one thing. He is lacking in the height department. NOT that that’s a deal breaker, but it doesn’t help him all that much.

I’ve dated short guys before, and it wasn’t a big deal. I was actually very sexually attracted to them. There was chemistry. With this guy, I literally cringe when he touches me. I don’t know what it is. Maybe he was my brother in a past life or something.

He held my hand while we were at the movies once, and my whole body tensed up.

A part of me wants to blame myself. Make this a bigger deal than it is. Maybe I’m meant to be alone for the rest of my life (melodramatic much?) Maybe I get off on dating assholes. If I’m not being treated poorly, then what chance does this relationship have?!

::Throws herself onto bed, and breaks down in heaving loud crying:: 

Usually when I begin dating a guy I gush day and night about him to my friends. I didn’t do that here. I didn’t even tell my best friend until the day before our first date. At that point we had already been talking for 2 weeks.

I think that’s what lacking here. Chemistry. In a big way. When I hang out with him it’s like hanging out with a friend. I don’t want to hump my friend’s leg or anything. We just chill, have a few drinks, a few laughs, and we go home. No one is making out with each other. There’s no heavy petting. You stay on your side of the bar, and I’ll stay on mine.

When I’m with him, I usually find myself looking at my watch and saying to myself, “Alright, I’ve put in 2 hours already. Can I go home now?”

But how could this be my fault? I tried here, I really did. I got dressed up and put the effort in on each one of our dates. I asked questions, I tried to get to know him, but good Lord I did not care what this man had to say. It’s not that he’s a boring guy, I just genuinely didn’t care. Well, he actually wasn’t interesting to begin with, so he’s already at a loss.

I could just be too hard on myself. Putting the fact that there is no chemistry between me and this guy all on me. Of course, it’s my fault. But where the hell does is say that I have to like this guy??! Sure, he’s great on paper, but I don’t get excited when he picks me up. I don’t get butterflies when I see a notification from him on my phone. I would honestly hate it if I got stuck talking to him on the phone. I really would rather do anything else than hang out with him. Literally. I canceled plans with him last night to rush home to do nothing. I RUSHED home. I knocked an old lady down trying to catch the train. I had no where to be, but I’ll be damned if that old lady was going to stop me from not having to be somewhere.

Stupid old lady.

There is just so much pressure to be dating right now. I’m 27 and single. But I honestly do not care that I am 27 and single. I didn’t die from being single. In fact, quite the opposite happened…I actually started living.

I don’t want to date. I want to rush home and do nothing. What’s wrong with that? I don’t give a shit that it’s “cuffing” season. I swear if someone tries to cuff me, I will cut them. Cuffing season is bullshit anyway. Why you wanna get with me now? It’s getting cold out? Fuck you, dickhead, go outside and freeze. I’m not trying to keep anybody warm this winter. But my little ass is going to be nice and toasty, though :p.

I am happy and content with just me. I am enough for me right now. I know that it’s not going to be enough forever, but right now I’m good. I’m so good. The fact that I expended so much energy and time worrying about being in a relationship, that I need a vacation from all the dramatics for a while. I need a break from the ups and the downs, and the what ifs, and the bad dates, and the fuckboys, the assholes, the boring guys, and the dickheads.

Everyone can seriously fuck off right now.

I would only entertain dating someone right now if they come correct, and stimulate my mind, as well as my body. I’ll be damned if I settle with just anyone just because “I should have a boyfriend.” I should also be billionaire, but here I am, not a billionaire.

I’m officially taking the pressure off myself. I am going to enjoy my life as it is right now. With my family and friends who I love and who love me. I will continue to surround myself with positive people, and will always put myself first.

Everything else is secondary.

Until next time Darlings,

Shoes Over Booze