Some day in March will mark 6 years being single. 6 years that were simultaneaously spectacular, and depressing all at the same time. A time where I didn’t think I could go any lower, but then discovered a deeper pit in this hell you people call “dating”. Don’t get me wrong, there were high times, as well. Times where I would bask in my freedom, while I cuddle up in bed with my Haagen Daaz coffee ice cream and binge watch whatever garbage was on Netflix, and not even feel a tiny bit guilty about it. Times where I would stay out all night, and not have any one at home worrying about where I was, or what I was doing. I wasn’t waiting on some guy’s text. All I had to worry about was me. Life couldn’t get any better. Then reality sets in: there are people out there meeting the loves of their lives, and I’m here scraping the last bit of ice cream from the carton, letting Netflix know that, yes, I am still here. Just play the next god damn episode.
Being single doesn’t have to suck, but most times, inevitably, it does. There is nothing you can do about it. There will always be things you can’t do (albeit proudly, and without a tinge of self-doubt) that couples do freely and in tandem. You will, no matter how hard you try, find yourself being the third, fifth, and (I swear only me) the eleventh wheel. That’s just the way things work when you’re single. Yes, it sucks. It sucks big, giant, hairy, nasty fat man balls.
I am not going to sit here and pretend that being single is this amazing self-discovery, because it’s not. Being single is a lot like trying to run away from yourself. You just can’t. You run and run and no matter how far you think you’ve gotten, there You are. Just waiting, smiling that stupid smile, like it doesn’t even know you’re trying to get away from it. It’s very frustrating. No matter where you go, there you are. A constant reminder that all you’ve really got is you. All that’s ever going to be there, is you. And all you ever really need, is you.
When you finally give up and stop running you go and sit next to You.
You: “Alright, what the fuck do you want? Let’s get this over with.”
You, you: “I just want to talk, you seem a little lost.”
You: “I’m doing just fine.Thank you.”
You, you: “You don’t seem fine.”
You: “Excuse me? You don’t know m-, oh wait, nevermind.”
You, you: “Stop running away from, me, or you…this is confusing. Look, you’re being stupid. You can’t run from me. We are literally the same person. You look dumb, honestly.”
You: “Shut up, you look dumb.”
You, you: “You see what I’m saying! Just stop trying to run away, just deal with it, me, you, everything. Everything you want is just trying to catch up to you.”
You, you: “All the answers you are trying to find ‘out there’, is right here. In you. All you ever needed is right here. Stop trying to find happiness, security, and love elsewhere. Everything you needed to live a prosperous life is right here, within you. All the love in the world is in you. You had the power all along.”
You: “I …I don’t know what to say.”
You,you: “You’re welcome.”
You: “Shut up, I’m so arrogant, sometimes.”