Where have I been?

It’s been 2 years since I last wrote and a lot has happened. Life threw me some major curveballs. It would be an understatement to say that this year has been rough. Oh! and  I  turned 30, yay!

So far, 30 blows.

There were a lot of times that I wanted to write but couldn’t bring myself to post anything because my life has felt like one huge broken record. Writing about the same old heartbreak, same old fuckboy, same old disappointment felt embarrassing. I should be farther along in my “journey” of self-exploration. I should know better by now. For Christ’s sake, I’m 30! Why am I repeating the same old mistakes I made when I was 23. It’s like I said, embarrassing. That’s what’s been holding me back from writing. Why would you want to read the same story with the same ending? I know I wouldn’t.

So I’m changing my story.

This past year I dated A LOT. I had a new flavor every month.  Even against my better judgement, I dated someone at work. I wasn’t looking for it. Really! I was just passing by his desk, wracking my brain about the last guy I dated and why it had abruptly ended when he invited me to some random happy hour for his group (why would I even go? I don’t know those people). I declined, obviously, because I was NOT going there with someone I worked with, but he was relentless. He asked me out again, and again and I finally gave in. We went out for drinks (just us) and we ended up talking for 5 hours. When I finally looked at the time saw that it was 10pm. I hated that I had such a good time. We went out a few more times after that, and each time was better than the last. I couldn’t wait to see him, and hiding it at work actually made it even more exciting. But your self-sabotaging friend here had to go and fuck it up by bringing up the “where is this going?” conversation which freaked him out and made him go cold. Which, by the way, is the worst when you work with this person and see him every day. He would walk right by me without saying a word, and avoiding eye contact. It was beyond awkward that I had to call him out after a couple days of this. I sent him a text while at work asking him what the fuck was up (not those exact words, but the feeling was there) and he gave me the generic “I’m not ready for anything serious” speech, blah blah blah. I was hurt, but I knew it was coming. So, I did what any sane woman would do and text the hot french dude she had met the night before and asked him out.

Enter hot french dude.

He was beyond sexy, and beautiful and fun. And the sex? WOW. He had that sexy french accent, and I would melt when he spoke french. It was exciting. But he was on a tourist visa and things between us couldn’t last and I knew that. Even with that knowledge, I still let myself fall. Boy, did I fall hard. Damn, the French! It still hurts when I think about it. He ended things because it got too serious, and the looming date of his eventual departure in August hung over our heads like a death sentence. I was happy to just continue things the way they were and cross that bridge when we got there, but it was different for him, I guess. He was worried he’d fall more than he already did (I wasn’t the only one who caught feelings here. I’m pretty amazing too, you know) and he did not want to continue. So we ended things. I should say he just stopped all communication with me. I couldn’t reach out. I still had my pride and I knew it wouldn’t have led anywhere anyway. So I let it die. But it still hurt. It hurt a lot. I still think about him all the time, and still miss him.

He was just a rebound that I let get too far. I mean, don’t get me wrong it worked. I stopped thinking about the guy at work, but now I can’t stop thinking about Frenchie. It’s just a transference of energy. I feel like it’s so compounded now because I have no one to distract me from this hurt. I have no one to take this pain off my hands. I can’t keep jumping from one guy to another just to numb the sting of the last relationship’s end. I’ve got to stop playing hot potato with my feelings. It’s a vicious, vicious cycle that needs to end. I can’t go back to my old ways. I have to change if I ever want a real relationship. Did I mention I’m 30 now?

And we finally get to the Man Cleanse.

I am writing a new story. No more flings. No more dating guys to get over the last one. No more fuckboys. No more emotionally unavailable men. No more hot potato. I need to get all that crap out of my system and I am doing it the old fashioned way. By myself. Just me and my crazy ass thoughts, and lots of ice cream and netflix. I have to be honest…it is the absolute WORST. I’m just sitting here, feeling all these feelings all the time.

Even though it sucks, Man Cleanses are a necessary part in a woman’s relationship evolution. It’s like a colonic. It’s not fun, but at least you get all that shit out of your system. Sometimes you need to press pause and purge all the crap men have left at your doorstep, and start fresh. You can start from a place of love and honesty, instead of a place of desperation and neediness because you are reeling from the emotional garbage left from the last guy.

I made a promise to myself, and to my friends that the Frenchie was my last fling, ever. Yes, EVER. No more flings for this girl. It’s the real thing or nothing. Saying it out loud to my friends made it real for me. I’m not sure if they believed me, but it’s a way I can hold myself accountable. I can’t let myself or my friends down. That’s how all these flings felt. Like I was disappointing my friends and family every time it didn’t work out with a guy. It’s not a good feeling. I’m just tired of it. I am physically and emotionally exhausted.

The Man Cleanse isn’t just about not dating and eating all the ice cream and donuts you can stuff into your face. It’s about learning to lean on yourself when things get rough. People will let you down, but you’ve got yourself. You don’t need to go looking for emotional safety nets out there in the form of hot guys and one night stands (yes, it’s fun but you don’t feel any better the next day). It’s about building your own emotional reserves so when shit hits the fan again (because we all know it will) you know that YOU’VE got YOU. And that’s a feeling no hot guy can give you.

So that’s where I’ve been, and that’s where I’ll be, on my Man Cleanse.


Shoes Over Booze