Recently I’ve been thinking about a certain someone from my past. I believe I mentioned him. My Irish piece of man hunk? Yes, him. He was quiet, too sweet for his own good, and just an all around good guy. I didn’t speak to him for 2 days and he sent flowers to my job. Too sweet. I was actually trying to do the disappearing act on him, but you can’t ignore someone who sends you flowers. Imagine the karmic hell I would be in??? So why did I break things off with him? If you want to get to the root of the issue, I was probably scared. Scared to give up the only lifestyle I’ve known for the past 4 years which is be on my own, and only rely on myself. It’s actually a very scary thought to give up some of that control and have to RELY on somebody else for the sake of the relationship. Eek! On the superficial surface, I felt as though I was settling when it came to my sweet Irish guy. Sure, he was cute, had a nice build, he was active, respectful, funny, but he was just wayyy too quiet. I found myself doing all the talking on our dates, and I’m not a talker people! I mean with some whiskey in my system I’m the life of the party, but on a regular day, I would very much appreciate it if everyone left me the hell alone and didn’t talk to me (this is Introverts 101, guys).
But in the same vein, I have gone out with guys who did do all the talking, and they practically ran right over me. I need someone justttt right. Someone who doesn’t need to fill every silence with his jibber jabber, and someone who doesn’t mind when I blabber on and on about nothing just because I’m excited.
When I broke up with my four leaf clover, I told him the truth. I told him he was too quiet for me. He explained that he understood where I was coming from, and it’s something that he was working on. He got radio silence from me, which I still feel very guilty about. He opened up (finally) to me, and he got nothing from me.
Bottom line…I was just making excuses to be single. Somewhere inside me I wanted this. I wanted to be single. I didn’t want to give up my control. I didn’t want to be part of a partnership. There was only me, and I was accountable for everything, and responsible for everything, and that was fine by me. If I didn’t have to rely on someone else, that meant I could never be disappointed. No disappointment, meant no heartache. No heartache no hurt. No hurt…no problem.
How can I pass up a guy like this when all I do is complain about all the jerks and losers I meet? How can I continue to want to be single when a perfectly good…really good..guy is standing right in front of me. And he wants me! Look ladies…a good guy is hard to find. Extremely hard to find. We all know this. They’re like unicorns, you hear about them in stories, but don’t really believe that could ever happen in reality. But what do you do when you find your unicorn? Do you set it free into the wild again, because you think you can do better. No! It’s a freaking unicorn!! You hold onto that shit, and if it’s not exactly what you wanted then you mold that unicorn until it’s the most perfect unicorn you have ever seen, because the core of that unicorn will never change. It will always be a unicorn.
So why did my heart, and my brain (which should know better, by the way) keep pulling me back to the Irish man? Was there something I needed to learn from him before moving on? Could it be possible that I might evolve into someone who took chances, and didn’t always care about the outcome? What do you do when the only way forward is to go backward?
If I can learn to deal with someone else’s bullshit, and give someone a chance, and not give up on them at the first sign of distress, then there may actually be hope for me. It’s time to loosen the reigns and give up some of that control. Life is full of disappointments and I have to get used to that. Things won’t always go my way. I need to learn to trust in other people. Accept help from others. I’m not super woman, and I can’t do it all this by myself. I need someone to just say, “Don’t worry, I got this babe.” But most of all, I need to trust that they do in fact got it. I need to find solace in that statement. I need to let go. I’ve played on the safe side for long enough and sure I’ve avoided a lot of heartbreak, but I’ve also missed out on a lot. I’m coming off the bench, and I’m in this game to win it.
I texted him Sunday, and we have a date this Friday.
I’m tired of sitting on the sidelines watching everyone else play and have fun.
It’s my turn to play.