When you’re younger, you have this vision for your life.
At 25, I’ll meet the man of my dreams. We’ll fall madly in love.
At 30, I’ll get married in a castle.
At 31 (okay, maybe 32 because I am absolutely crushing it in my fancy career) we will have our first child.
At 34, we’ll have disagreements because I want to stay in the city, and he wants to move to the suburbs (gag).
*Life altering event has entered the chat*
2022 was an interesting year. It was either the best year for some and literally the fucking worst for others. There was no in between. 2022 was over here just dolling out either “the cherry on top” or “fuck your shit up” life events and if you didn’t choose quick enough it really said, “too late, fuck you, here is the worst thing you will ever go through. NEXT!”
It felt like every girl I knew, no matter how many degrees of separation there were, had gotten engaged in 2022. While I sat on the couch having screaming matches with my “boyfriend”, and soon after getting dumped.
Of course, in hindsight I can see this as a blessing. I was quite literally plucked out of a situation that was draining the life force out of me. I was having panic attacks, regular nightmares, anxiety, trouble breathing –not to mention I looked horrible. That was just the physical manifestation of what this relationship was doing to me. After the initial shock of the break up wore off, I began to wake up without an elephant on my chest, the nightmares stopped, my anxiety was getting better, and I began looking better. I could see a beautiful person with great hair, and decent enough face looking back at me in the mirror. It’s amazing what happens when you aren’t around someone who makes you feel less than 24/7.
A large part of the reason I stayed so long in my last relationship was the fear of being single. I had already invested so much time and effort into one person, and now I have to do it again, with someone different?! Getting back in the dating scene after pouring your EVERYTHING into someone who really didn’t appreciate it didn’t sound like an enticing endeavor. But the Universe had other plans for me. Reality sometimes looks a lot different than how you had imagined it. Here I am, 34, newly single with a fresh and jaded outlook on love and relationships. Hang on to your depends, this is going to be a wild ride.
My first social engagement after the break up was none other than, not one, but two engagement parties. The Universe really does have a sick sense of humor. These are two very good friends of mine, and of course I was happy for them. I knew and they knew I wasn’t operating at my best, but I was trying my hardest to be there for them because (hopefully) this only happens once.
I met a guy at one of the engagement parties and we went out on one date. It was entirely too soon, and I don’t know how I pulled it off without crying. I actually had a good time, but I think the fact that I had just gotten out of relationship a month ago was a major red flag for him. When we exited the bar, and walked into the elevator he leaned and gave me a kiss. My first thought was the last person I kissed is no longer my ex. My thoughts started to reel and it went straight to sex. How could I ever open myself up again physically again? It seemed so foreign to me. I wasn’t ready. I retreated back into my hermit bubble and didn’t come out for three months. I needed to heal.
GUESS WHAT?! Your girl is healed, waxed, and ready for some action.
Stayed tuned for all the craziness and what it’s really like to date as a 34 year old in New York City.
*smooches*
Kiss and Hide 