March marked my one year anniversary of Single-dom, and it has been one of the best and worst years of my life. I was in the clouds refusing to come down when I first split from my beau. I was numb to the pain I ought to be feeling. I ran right into the arms of the first man who would have me. He was the rebound lover. He was everything my ex was not, and because of that I fell deeper and deeper (in trouble). Coming down from my high I realized that I could not string this poor guy along my fucked up journey of truly finding myself, and finding a sliver of happiness. I let him go…not once, not twice, not even three times…try a total of trying helplessly to let this guy go four times (who knows, it may have been more, I lost count to be quite honest). I needed to be alone. I wanted to crawl in a dark hole and hide from the world. All I wanted to do was cry and feel sorry for myself.
In the coming months, my ex reached out to me. We met and talked about everything but us. Typical us. After seeing my ex, I realized that I may have made a mistake letting him go. I tried oh so discreetly and subtly to get him back, but once an asshole, always an asshole. My efforts were quickly nipped in the butt by his self-righteous airs he so elegantly wears. It was then that I spiraled into a deep depression. My walls were torn down, and I never felt so vulnerable. I hated the way I looked. My eyes were wracked with dark circles, I was breaking out. My clothes were shit. I could never get my outfit right. I wanted to run home crying every day. I couldn’t stand to talk to other men, fearful of rejection (which is often what would happen when I did). I hated myself, inside and out. I was insecure, self-loathing, depressed, and on the verge of crying every minute. I felt like I was being punished for hurting my ex so bad. I was being punished for staying up in the clouds for so long. When I finally came down, I came down hard. My heart was never broken before. I never gave it to anyone to break before. I was at the lowest point in my life, and I just wanted to disappear from the world.
I needed to find some sort of solace, some peace. I needed to calm the craziness in my head. My friend told me she would often meditate, and it would help her. She said she felt more happy when she did. So I went home and tried it. It was an awful failure. I couldn’t quiet my mind and I kept looking at the time. But I was determined to dig myself out of this hole. I kept at it, and I found that I was laughing more. I was smiling more. Things started to fall into place easily for me. I didn’t sweat the small stuff anymore. I was starting to see the big picture. When I want to do something I do it right, so I dove into books and surfed the web for meditation techniques, classes, mp3 downloads, guided meditations. I really did my research. I learned I was the master of my own destiny, and if I wanted to be happy, I simply had to be happy. The only person that was stopping me, was me.
I also started to become much more spiritual. I relied on the guidance of my angels and spirit guides, much more than that of the church or clergy. I was a college-educated woman, and their small-minded views of the world according to scripture that was written 2,000+ years ago that has been altered countless times just wasn’t doing it for me. It was missing something. A BIG something. Like the WHY in the whole equation was missing. I was taught in Sunday School never question God why? “But why?” … “Because He is God and he does everything right, and he doesn’t need to explain himself to you.”…”BUT WHY????” I should have been a philosophy major.
Even though I wasn’t as religious as I once was, a co-worker and I would often times find ourselves in the most beautifully serene Roman Catholic Church that was located conveniently across the street from our job. We would sit there for the 30 minute mass, and the other 30 minutes, we would spend sitting in silence. We sat there and our minds would turn in on themselves, and we would hash out whatever problems we were having within ourselves. We would walk out of there rejuvenated, and refreshed. Whenever one of us were having a bad day, one would email the other: “Church?” and it was an unspoken term that meant “I need to sit and calm my mind or else I will kill someone.”
I became much more confident. I walked with air of “Fuck off, I know I’m the shit” about myself. I was a hot mamma and I knew that. And no guy would ever bring me down from this high. I am more mature from my experiences. I don’t think my brain functions in the same way other 24 year olds do. I don’t want to party and bullshit every weekend. I want to work on my clothing line and become wildly successful before I’m 30. I want to explore my spirituality further. I want to fall in love. I want to love myself. I want to love everyone! I want to be HAPPY! I will always be one day closer to that if I stay on this path.
If you ever find yourself lost and confused, alone and sad, these are some books that have helped me:
- Eat, Pray, Love -Elizabeth Gilbert
A woman fresh out of a divorce finds herself travelling the three countries Italy, India, and Indonesia. The three I’s to find herself. It is a journey of one woman to find happiness among good food, friends, and herself. She finds God along the way, and true love.
2. Conversations with God (Books 1, 2, & 3)
A man fed up with the way his life is going, vents by writting a heated letter to God. God responds, and they have an “uncommon dialogue”. I especially love this book because you feel closer to God than any priest, or sermon can ever bring you.
3. The Alchemist
A young boy on a journey to find true love, finds himself in a strange land, without his sheep (what he has known his whole life), and no money. He meets an alchemist that tries to solve an age-old question. It’s filled with lines that pack a punch, and really cause you to take a step back and ponder.
4. 101 Ways to Talk to Your Angels -Doreen Virtue
For the spiritual fans out there, this is great book to connect to your Angels. When I did I never felt alone. I always felt like I had an army behind me, protecting me.
Love you Darlings and keep your heads up! Life is a path worth taking.
Shoes Over Booze