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I was in a really rough place a few weeks ago. I purposely didn’t want to post anything, especially on this subject, because I was afraid what my fingers would start typing. I wanted to get my mind and heart right before publishing things into the ether I would later regret. But I’ve learned to let that hurt, pain, and regret go, and can say I’m starting to get over it. I’m definitely not there yet, but I’m being patient with myself.
Back in December, a work associate introduced me to a guy she thought I would get along with. He seemed like a great guy. We spent some time together and I really started to like him. In fact, I started to fall, and fall hard. I hadn’t felt like this in a long time and I wanted to get swept away in it. And I let myself get swept away.
But there were so many red flags that I just plain ignored. I just wanted it so bad I was willing to overlook things that I would never have put up with. So what made him an exception? I wish I had an answer. He wasn’t particularly good looking, he was slightly overweight, selfish, and had his head up his ass all the time. I think I was attracted to the idea of being in a relationship than him specifically. I felt like an idiot for overlooking these red flags just because I was tired of being alone.
It is a long complicated story that I won’t bore you with, but it left me dazed and confused. I felt like I was hit by a bus. It felt like I took a sledgehammer to the chest. I was stressed more and more everyday. I started smoking more and eating less. I was a mess.
God I wanted it bad. I wanted him. I wanted IT.
What the hell was I trying to prove?
That I was, in fact, wanted and desired? I know this already. I don’t need this chubby Neanderthal to prove that to me.
That it was possible for me (of all people) to actually be in a relationship? I know how to be in a relationship, I’ve been in them before. But they were the wrong ones, entered into for the wrong reasons. I wasn’t looking to just be with anybody, I was looking for my somebody. My person. My guy. My unmistakable, can’t miss, ‘yup-that’s-him’ man.
I almost settled.
Almost.
He was just awful, and as time passed, I saw how he wasn’t treating me the way I deserved. I wasn’t being wined and dined, instead he brought me to diners, and never planned anything in advance. He made me feel like I was getting in the way when it came to his work. Anyone that knows me know that I am the first person to tell you, ‘Get that money.’ When I tried to step aside, and let him breathe and focus on work, he would pull me right back in. I was confused. I didn’t know what to do. I let myself get pulled back in each time. Even though he didn’t treat me the way I wanted, I stayed like a damn fool.
After 2 months of this push-pull, I pulled the plug, and just plain ignored his ass till he went away. I could not handle it anymore.
I knew I needed to cut him off before I fell any deeper and he crushed me any more than he already did. I was cutting my losses.
I figured I’d give myself a head start on the healing process which I knew would not be easy. God, how the hell did I get here again?
The Universe is funny sometimes in the way we learn our lessons, or pay our Karmic debt (however you want to call it). I wanted this relationship to work so bad, I was willing to overlook how shitty this person was, in exchange for some companionship. Looking back now, I gag at the thought of this person having the chance to touch me. It literally makes me sick. Not because he wasn’t attractive at all, no I can look past that. But because he was selfish, a liar, and a piece of shit, and treated me like shit. I was angry with myself that I let him treat me like shit. My karmic lesson was to be patient and not give myself away to just any guy that comes along. I’ve got standards and these guys have to live up to them to stay in my life. No more diners for me baby!
I almost forgot all the time and energy I put into myself. Was I really going to let this jerk-off come in and sabotage all the work I had accomplished? Fuck that noise.
The Universe needed me to learn certain lessons. Call it my final exam in the search for love. I put all the work in thus far, and this was the final test to see if I could advance to the next level. I needed to pass through the ring of fire, and now that the worst (I hope) is finally behind me….
I needed that last jolt to see if I was really ready. If the work I had done until this point actually mattered. For a while I was ready to say fuck it! Let’s do this relationship thing, with anyone apparently! After feeling like I was punched in the gut, and nights of crying, and knots in my stomach, I am actually ready. I know to be patient. I know that I need to hold out a bit longer.
Here’s what I’ve learned:
- Never settle out of loneliness. You are always worth more than you think you deserve. The feeling of companionship a relationship offers is great, but an enduring relationship will need much more than that to sustain itself.
- If you feel that it’s wrong in your gut, trust it. Your intuition will never lie to you. That’s your inner voice trying to tell you something is wrong. Listen to it!
- Love will come when you least expect, so stop looking and start living!
- You will never need to force something between you and someone else. It will always just flow in a natural rhythm. If they would like to see you, and talk to you, they will make it happen (this goes for guys and girls). There’s a saying out there somewhere: “Love is like a fart, if you have to force it, it’s probably shit.” If it’s not working, then just that shit go, honey.
- When you feel like all hope is lost, and you will never find love after a heartbreak, or you’re just not meant for love – LOVE WILL FIND YOU. Trust that. No one is meant to be alone.
- Love yourself more than anything on this planet. Your relationship with yourself is the most important one you will ever have. If you don’t love yourself, how do you expect others to? Treat yourself the way you want others to treat you. If someone is not making time for you in a relationship, look at your relationship with yourself. Are you making time for you? No? Then why should they?
Give yourself what you want others to give you. Always put yourself first.
7. Stop comparing yourself to other people. If they’re in a relationship, great, good for them. Stop comparing your timeline to theirs. We are all on different paths. Your time will come. Trust in that.
I hope you never settle and hold out for that undeniable love we are all searching for.
Sia – Elastic Heart feat. Shia LaBeouf & Maddie Ziegler (Official Video): https://youtu.be/KWZGAExj-es
Till next time darlings,
Shoes Over Booze
